THE FUNERAL ARRANGER UNIVERSAL LEARNING CURVE

By Bill Bates

Many of us in funeral service believe that if funeral service is not to be completely consumed with direct cremation and "no funeral" request, a grass roots effort to begin to make every funeral a powerful and moving experience for our clients is necessary. Dry and uninteresting funerals in which families go away saying, "never again" hurt all of us, not just the firm that produces them.

Every funeral director in America, Canada and Australia (including me) whether we are consciously aware of it or not is involved in a vital "learning curve", moving from traditional funeral arranger to what I call "personalization specialists." There are three main stages of development in this particular educational experience. All funeral arrangers fall into one of the three stages. Discovering where you are will help define the direction you may want to grow toward.

As you know, making personalized funeral arrangements is a larger challenge than the making of traditional funeral arrangements. It requires good bonding skills, creativity and risk taking.

Most of us enter the learning curve by attempting to use the same skill set we have always used to arrange traditional funerals. If you have been doing that for awhile you have already discovered its limitations. However, where as the end result is far less then a real personalized funeral it's an important beginning. These funerals most often resemble what I call "remolded traditional funerals." Remolded traditional funerals look like regular funerals with the added addition of picture boards and personalized casket panels. Unfortunately they frequently become standard, replacing one bad commercial idea of one size fits all that the consumer is rejecting in droves with another. Many of our colleagues get stuck at this level of learning thinking it’s as far as they need to go. But other more creative funeral arrangers use it to catch a glimpse of as yet unknown possibilities and continue in their learning.

The next level begins with the funeral director making suggestions which require certain risk taking but will be the beginning stages in which things like hobbies, careers, avocations and some participation is included in the ceremony. Our study of working funeral arrangers in the US, sadly demonstrate that most of us do not make creative ceremony suggestions, content to take an easier softer way out by taking orders from families. But, if you find yourself at this stage of the evolutionary process you’re probably finding more interest and excitement in your work, improved revenue and client satisfaction.

Personally I stayed at this stage for a very long time. I remember feeling incomplete about the personalized ceremonies I arranged but could not visualize what the next evolution could possible be. But gradually many of the families I served begin to demonstrate to me what my next step could be. Even though my funerals were consistently creative many lacked the important "wow" moment I was looking for. Most of the time when we were able to create a "wow" moment in the ceremony, I admit it was more by accident then intentional. I started to pay attention to exactly what it was that moved families. Even though my families appreciated the many funeral props and other personalization "add on's" they didn't address the heart of the matter. I begin to notice that when we were able to accurately demonstrate what others loved about the deceased every one was touched by it, including me and my staff. But, doing that was difficult and most of the time seemed impossible. It required a more intimate connection with the family to make the kind of discoveries needed then we were doing. And frankly we didn't know how to do that. Many times it just happened leaving me questioning how it had happened. As I begin to pay attention to how we interviewed families that resulted in that kind of intimacy an entirely new arrangement system begin to evolve which swung open the door to the most exciting discovery of my entire career and the “next and new phase”.

But the third and so far as we know final phase takes study, experience, effort and commitment. However, this is the stage at which your consistent personalization ceremonies have become significant in attracting new calls for your firm. This final stage is one in which the funeral arranger has acquired an entirely different skill set then required for traditional funeral arranging. In this stage the funeral arranger has become skilled at the use of interpersonal skills for client bonding, adept at risk taking and creating concepts that demonstrate the “non material” things of life into the ceremony. It takes practice and creativity to be able to express love, compassion, understanding, commitment, giving and all that we value about being human. But it is the ability to demonstrate what others loved about the deceased that creates the all important "wow" moment. Wow moment experiences are generally very simple; they almost never present any additional cost to perform and rarely resemble any gone before.

Here are a few simple examples:

At a very, very traditional funeral for a man who spent most of his adult life at the horse race track in a variety of jobs he loved the organist surprised everyone by pulling all of the stops out of the pipe organ and playing "post time" very loudly instead of the normal prelude. Part of the "wow" factor impact was the surprise of the song following the somber traditional funeral format.

The” lit up" look on the faces of the audience was one of recognition and happiness. It instantly created community with in the audience which was lacking prior to the experience.
The widow of a sixty year marriage confided to the funeral director that she and her husband always held hands and said the Lords prayer together at the end of each day. At the conclusion of the funeral the funeral director escorted her to the casket and placed her hand on her deceased husband and the entire congregation said the Lords prayer together. In order for the funeral director to acquire this simple, beautiful and important piece of information a trusting relationship between himself and his client had to be established. A relationship in which the client felt valued enough by the funeral director that she would volunteer very private and intimate information. But that alone is not enough, the funeral directors ability to create a funeral concept and obtaining client permission to put it into play all required new and practiced skills.

Following the committal service for a man known for his love of fine teas from around the world the funeral director gave each funeral attendee a tea bag with the deceased name on it requesting they use it in his memory.

For the president of a car club who always told his friends to "make some noise" as they left his house following their Saturday get together the funeral coach driver followed by 25 - 30 hot rods diverted to the house on the way to the cemetery and stopped in front and squealed and fished tailed the funeral coach, "making some noise" followed by each hot rode as they saluted their fallen comrade by stopping and "making some noise."

These are very simple ideas but contributed powerfully because they so completely captured and demonstrated an aspect of what others loved about the deceased. They were framed in a larger context representing the deceased to complete the demonstration.

Personalized funerals tell a story by demonstration. The comparison to a traditional funeral is one of television to radio.

Bill Bates is president and founder of Life Appreciation Training Seminars. Since the origins of Life Appreciation Training in 1974 he has been the leading figure in the movement to personalize funeral practices in America, Canada and Australia. He can be reached at BillBates@lifeappreciaton.com or 1-772-584-3867.
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