Very early in my career as a funeral director I made a pre-arrangement with an elderly man who we had served the previous year when his wife died. After completing the arrangements he took his own life.
I have never forgotten the experience and I suppose if I am honest I’ve never quite let go of the guilt. Plenty of guilt that I didn't listen better and talk less. Guilt that I thought getting the prearrangement completed was more important than hearing the desperation in his voice. In retrospect I must admit that the signs were there, I just didn’t see them or worse, I didn't want to believe them.
Since that experience I have learned and practiced a very simple but astonishing way to not just hear the surface words but deeper meanings as well. I've also learned that "listening" is not a passive skill. Just sitting quietly and concentrating on what the other is trying to get you to understand may help a little but most of the time we miss the real point and besides it's exhausting. Listening is an "active skill" the listener is actually doing something while the speaker is talking, sounds like a paradox but when you understand it and practice it for awhile you will use it all the time in all of your relationships.
It's simple and enables you to truly hear. If you make an effort to this manner of really hearing be prepared to hear things you may not want to hear, things you would just as soon keep under the radar. Almost everyone in care giving professions uses it, every talking head on TV use them. Good doctors and good attorneys use it, good parenting demands it. And it is very easy to do. It is a perfect skill for funeral directors because it penetrates isolation and grieving is an experience of isolation. It demonstrates interest, causes hearing, reduces defenses, helps create bonding, helps the other feel understood, and helps the other feel like you care about them. And amazingly if you use the skill you will begin to care about them. And it's just a simple paraphrase.
The paraphrase was developed by Dr. Cal Rogers; as a matter of fact it's frequently referred to as Rogerian counseling; and frequently called Active Listening. It's a simple non judgmental, compassionate reflecting of what another says to you in your own words. For example let’s say "the story line" was delivered this way - - dad was walking down the street the other day and he slipped and hit his head on the curb. A paraphrase could be any number of responses but let’s say your paraphrase is simple, "your father hurt himself. Because paraphrases "encourages dialogue your respondent would then elaborate with additional information. Don’t worry about his asking, "why are you repeating what I say", that only happens when you paraphrase another individual who use’s paraphrases and are just "pulling your chain" or interestingly enough with children, usually under the age of eight. After eight no one is listening to anybody else and you can paraphrase your brains out.
Examine that simple uncluttered piece of communication. The respondent throws you a commutative ball with his comment about dad. You catch it and throw it back with your paraphrase, your respondent catches it by acknowledging both verbally (right!) and or non verbally that you understood what he was attempting to get you to understand. What could be said about that slice of communication is that it "is complete".
Paraphrases are particularly powerful for funeral directors because we work with people that feel incomplete. When we help them feel complete even for a moment it directs them toward helpful grieving. When you paraphrasing someone in pain they feel like at least one person really understands the turmoil they are going through.
Just imagine the help a staff could be if every time staff comes face to face with a family they took the opportunity to paraphrase them? The person who first meets the family when they come in for the arrangements of course establishes their feelings about the funeral home with whatever he or she does. Certainly a chat in which the staff member paraphrases them will go a long way in their sense of being cared for. Or perhaps the people who made the removal, the first person they meet on your staff and of course the funeral arranger. Including the staff that work the funeral and limo drivers, the receptionist who hands over the certified copies when the family comes for them, and the aftercare person who phones or visits all serve to impact your families that the people at your firm care. .
Paraphrasing is just the beginning when one starts using effective communication skills to interact with families, putting feelings into words and many other enormously powerful communication skills bring healing to people in pain and they see your firm as the best.
Paraphrases help bonding, Funeral directors who bond with families arrange three times the number of personalized funerals then those who do not..
When you begin using paraphrases you may fell artificial or phony. Most people stop paraphrasing for that reason. However if you persist through those uncomfortable feelings it will begin to become clear that it's not a pretense in any way but a sincere attempt to communicate.
Have some fun with it, start paraphrasing your spouse. Amazing things may happen.
Good luck and the very best to you in your effort to improve communication
Bill Bates, President
Life Appreciation Training
billbates@lifeappreciation.com
305-420-6744
Bill Bates is President and Founder of Life Appreciation Training. Since the origins of Life Appreciation Training in 1974,
he has been a leading figure in the movement to personalize funeral practices. He can be reached at 1-305-420-6744 andbillbates@lifeappreciation.com. www.lifeappreciation.com www.funeralceremony.com.
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